Thinking about stuff again.
Trying not to let it get me down but its hard.
I miss so many people, its not right. This will be my first summer without my best friend.
It was supposed to be five years (although i think it was actually four) I miss her, so god damn much. Heh, i lost both my mothers i guess. My other best friend hates me. He thinks she is the one and only and is off being a jackass. He is going to be hurt by reality and normally i would want to be there for him, but...
I dont know if i can trust him again. And i cant tell if its from being hurt or whatever, but...it just made me think whether he really considered me as a friend at all. And then there is my mom. Its been about a month now? I was thinking a little while ago how she hasnt done a THING about it. It makes me wonder...does she not care at all about her own daughter? Does she think its not worth it? Of course i refuse to believe my mother doesn't love me...but, actions speak louder then words. She isnt even willing to try. It makes me feel like her not seeing her own daughter EVER AGAIN doesnt bother her. These thoughts just keep swirling in my head. Is it just the fear of not wanting that, or is it my mind trying to tell me to stop denying it and accept it. I mean, ive been telling myself, "No Juli. These things dont just happen over night. Give it time." But...whats the difference? Whether its one month or two, three. A whole year. Whats different then from now? Your not seeing your own daughter. You used to tell me every weekend when I was taken away how much you missed me, how much you wanted me back. But then i think of all the times you said you weren't coming. All the times you said, "Im not picking you up this weekend." EVERY FRICKIN WEEKEND I SAT AT MY GOD DAMN WINDOW, WAITING. BEGGING just to see your car drive down the road. The frickin car that never came. And i realize now...that hasnt changed. The few weekends before i left...you said you loved me and missed me. And when you didnt get the answer you wanted, you cursed me out, told me you were taking me home and not coming to get me next weekend.
The sick thoughts in my mind are all the same:
Was it just an act? To try and just show up my father or whoever who said you were a bad mother? Is it just too much responsibility you'd just rather not have? WHY?WHY?WHY?
Did i do something wrong? Am i just not the daughter you wanted...yea i know i was an accident. Finding out you were pregnant with me when you and dad were splitting up. But...am i really not wanted.
I just dont know, i try to shove these questions to the back of my mind but the keep resurfacing. And once i think of one, they all come back. And i just get upset all over again. I want to call her, but at the same time i dont. What will i hear, i miss you come back. And when i tell her no, will i just hear the usual? How can i try to talk to her when i keep the thought that she might not even care about me in my mind. Whats the point? For her to tell me that she wont try? Basically telling me, "My daughter isnt enough to make me stop."
i just dont frickin know.
Wow this was long, perhaps i should talk to Paul tonight. Idk, i dont have him here at the moment, so this journal will have to do. Sorry for those who were hoping for better, i just needed a place to get this out.
C: Feel free to ignore all of it. Personally, I'd prefer if you did, I dont think i want to talk about it and get worked up more. No i think ill save that for Paul.
Sankyu...umm for wasting those few minutes of your life for me?
Lol sorry if you didnt intend to, No refunds though c: